I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Randomize
