This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
