And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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