it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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