you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
