I wish they made helmets for livers.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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