Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
