overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Randomize
