It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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