He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
