96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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