I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
he was CRYING into my vagina
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
