I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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