He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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