Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
