no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize