My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
