i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
