Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
