I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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