dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
