his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
