How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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