I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
She's just so happy...and so naked.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
