I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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