So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize