So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
