I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
