sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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