that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
