see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
try to milk me bitch
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