The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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