You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
