when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
