you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
