he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I will be naked everywhere
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
