i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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