You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
