Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
They took my balls.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
