it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
