And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
