Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
