1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
