every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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