she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
