i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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