Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
