I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
