I got chris browned last night
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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