I want you more than these girls want KFC
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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