Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
