saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
