By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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