you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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