he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
