i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
