I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
