new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
