somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
