Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
