Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
