i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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